Someone recently asked me about whether or not it is a good idea to date when you are abroad. I had to think about this question because most of my dating experiences have been when I lived abroad. I even had a boyfriend when I lived in Belgium. Therefore, I cannot definitively say no. However, there are different factors to consider when you decide to date abroad.
One of the benefits of traveling is the anonymity and freedom it gives you to explore whatever you want and need. Being in a place where nobody knows you to judge you or have their judgment affect you is a dating paradise for young people. Before traveling, I have been on one or two dates. With my maturity level, I felt incompatible with guys my age. I always knew who I was talking to, and when something felt off, I could walk away. However, when I traveled, the vulnerability of being in a foreign environment made it possible for me to enter the dating scene without holding too much restraint on myself. I was able to rely on my emotional side without restraint.
Another benefit of being in a place where no one knows you makes you bring your entire self. You don’t need to be a representative of yourself like we often try to do. The vulnerable environment of being in a foreign country allows you to be in tune with who you are and want to be. Therefore, on dates, you tend to be more honest. If someone likes you, it shows they are interested in the version of yourself that you want to be. Although I encourage people to date abroad, there are five things to consider before embarking on such a journey.
- The duration of your trip
The number one thing to consider when deciding to date abroad is the duration of your trip. When traveling for a short period, I do not seek long-term relations. I am not going on dates with the hope of meeting my husband. It would be nice to meet the love of myself. However, realistically, when I meet someone during a short stay, I am not hoping to fall in love and marry the other person sitting at the table. I go on dates to find a companion to show me around or keep company while I visit places like Italy, Spain, or Greece.
However, when I lived in Belgium, I was open to having an exclusive relationship because I wanted to live in Belgium long-term. I knew I wanted to live and work in Belgium post-graduating. Therefore, when my ex and I met, my intention going into this relationship was to seek a long-term partnership. My mindset in this situation was different than when I go on short-term trips.
- What are the goals of your dates?
The second thing to consider when dating abroad is your expectations. Are you going on dates to meet to find “the one,” or are you looking for a fun time? When you factor in the duration of your time abroad, it is crucial to set your dating goals. What do you want out of the dating you are going to? Are you only interested in experiencing what dating a Frenchman or a Belgian is like? Are you looking to have a long-lasting relationship or not?
Indeed, we cannot foresee what will happen. Sometimes, a short-term thing becomes a long-term relationship where you end up with a husband and a family. However, you have to know what you want. Knowing what you want from a relationship will ensure that both parties enter whatever arrangement you enter knowing what to expect. It will also allow you to take accountability and draw boundaries, and when it is time to go your separate ways, you leave without any bad feelings.
- Can you do a long-distance relationship?
Another factor to consider when dating abroad is the possibility of a long-distance relationship. You can fall in love at the most unexpected time. When dating my ex, I sometimes considered being with him for a long time. I never imagined having a short-term relationship. I am not a short-term type of girl. It’s hard for me to embark on a relationship without wanting it to be a long-term situation.
With that mentality, I have always been open to having long-distance relationships. Because of my career choices, I knew I would have some sort of long-distance relationship. Whether I meet a guy in the U.S. or abroad, one of the things I consider is whether or not I can see myself in a long-distance relationship. Therefore, my requirements and standards for a potential partner are intense. I evaluate whether the person is mature enough to be in a long-distance relationship. I know a long-distance relationship will be a part of my life one way or another.
However, your career choices are not the only reason you should consider the prospect of a long-distance relationship. When you go abroad for a short or long time and meet someone you like, you should wonder if you’d like this relationship to continue past your stay. Is the person you’re dating worth flying back and forth for? Will they do the same for you? Are you both willing to go the extra mile to make your relationship work despite being in two different geographical locations?
- Cultural differences in dating expectations
Another crucial aspect to consider is the cultural difference in dating expectations. One of the cultural shocks I experienced was splitting the bill on a date. My elders told me men are supposed to pay on a date. In my experience, the person who asks the other on a date is the one who pays. I paid for a movie date before because I wanted to treat the person I was dating. However, I have never been on a date where a man expected me to spit the bill.
In the United States, when that happens, the conversation among girls is that he is cheap and not someone a girl would be with. Women do not look favorably to men who ask to go half on a date when they are courting you. In Europe, young people find it unimaginable to expect the guy to pay for everything when courting. My first French friend was remorseful when a guy walked her home when he lived on the other side of the city. Whereas she did not like the idea, I thought it was sweet and a gesture that showed he liked her.
She is not alone in this mindset. I once asked some German friends over to my house for dinner to treat them to some African food. After dinner, one of them asked me how much it cost. I thought she meant how much the ingredients cost, but to my surprise, she asked how much she should pay me for the food I prepared. My hairdresser’s Belgian inlaws asked her to leave when she visited them because they were not expecting a visitor and could not include her in the dinner plans. This mentality is foreign to me as an African and an American. The mentality that nothing is for free and you should not expect me to pay for something for you exists in friendship and family. I also found it in some European dating attitudes. Hence, you should be open-minded to the cultural differences in dating experiences abroad.
- Separation strategy plan
The last thing you should do when considering dating abroad is have a strategic separation plan. When my ex and I decided to have an exclusive relationship, one thing that weighed on my mind was my exit strategy should we break up. When you are dating, you do not wish to break up. However, there are situations where you have to think about your break-up plan, and having a boyfriend while living abroad is one of those times. My ex’s friends instigated his insecurity about dating someone who was going to leave. Although I was interested in continuing a relationship even after moving to the U.S., his behaviors made me think of a strategy plan.
Before our break-up, I started to prepare myself mentally. The goal was to mentally and physically transition from being in a couple to back to being single. I started going out more and hanging out more with my friends. I went to the movies and the beach by myself as therapy. I did the things I enjoyed doing without him. I even went to places we’ve been together to help me disassociate those locations with him. I made a routine for myself and followed it strictly. I discussed my feelings with a therapist because I wanted to leave feeling complete. When we officially broke up, I was able to move back to the States with a piece of mind.
In conclusion, dating abroad is an interesting and exciting experience. It opens you to different dating experiences and some lasting relationships. However, before you embark on a dating adventure, consider the duration of your trip. What is your dating goal? Are you open-minded to different cultural dating expectations? Are you open to having a long-distance relationship, and what are your separation plans should things not work out? If you consider all of these factors, you will have a great dating experience during your stay abroad.
Thank you for reading me. Let me know what other factors you have experienced in the comments below.
Until next time,
Have a safe dating abroad experience!
Xoxo,
Cy
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